Second Life Adultery: Is it cheating if it’s not “real?”
Second Life is a virtual world that you can enter into from the comfort and convenience of your own computer through the Internet. It’s beyond your imagination… and couples have been divorcing over what’s going on in these “other” realities!
But before we launch into that debate, let’s grab a reference most everyone is familiar with.
Most everyone is familiar with the major hit movie, Avatar, written and directed by James Cameron. In the movie, Avatar, a paraplegic Marine (played by Sam Worthington), is dispatched to the moon Pandora on a mission. Now to complete this mission, Sigourney Weaver, helps him in and out of his “suit” which is his avatar so that while on Pandora he’s no longer a paraplegic, or looking human anymore. Instead he’s transformed into a typical blue guy from Pandora…. okay, a not-so-typical AND might I add…a HOTTER version of a blue guy from Pandora! I don’t know how they made blue SEXY… but they did! (Have I said too much?)
With all the new fun and games, (as well as controversy), going on in the virtual world scene right now, I began to ponder…
What if Sam Worthington’s character had been a married man in the movie? Would his wife have minded his hooking up with a gorgeous and seductive Pandorian woman?
Seriously, with virtual worlds and games readily available on the Internet… it brings with it myriad unanswered questions and new challenges in the committed intimate relationship corner. Is it cheating if it’s a virtual world?
Some of the most popular virtual worlds you can find on the computer are; Second Life, The Sims Online, Muse, and Coke Studios.
And if that’s not enough! There are Training Wheels versions to get the kiddies primed for navigating the virtual reality world… sites like Virtual Magic Kingdom.
(Honestly, I don’t know about you, but virtual reality for children kind of creeps me out. Kids have enough modern-day challenges like childhood obesity and sensory integration issues, etc. I can tell you that I will not have my son on any virtual reality sites… I’d like him to go outside and play on real trees, talk to real kids and be a little boy doing little boy things in this world. But that’s just my opinion.)
With the ability to create a whole new you, (an avatar), custom to your desires, you create for yourself the freedom to play in fantasy what you can’t (or feel restricted to) play out here in this reality.
Technology is changing the dynamics of relationship, and virtual worlds are having their own impact in shaping morality, or the interpretation of morality, integrity and the defining of new boundaries.
There have already been several cases in which divorce has been filed over one spouse finding that the other spouse has been unfaithful in the marriage, having sex with various partners in the virtual world. (Interestingly enough…. I read in one case, that a wife suspected her husband of three years cheating on her with someone in Second Life, so guess how she caught him? She hired a private detective… IN SECOND LIFE! Yes… you can hire a private detective in Second Life! ….and do a lot of other things too… obviously. And we won’t go into that here!)
Oh and Second Life has their own currency, it’s called, Linden Dollars! I wonder if the wife had to pay the private detective in Linden Dollars? (Is this sounding as bizarre to you as it does to me?)
Some virtual world supporters would say that it’s not cheating because it’s “virtual.” What do you think about that?
What is cheating anyway? I believe couples will have to define cheating to be absolutely clear when a boundary has been crossed. Maybe we’ll begin including this discussion in premarital counseling… virtual worlds and when virtual cheating becomes real cheating. Or some new chapter like that!
Think about it, even in a virtual relationship, thoughts, feelings, and energy are devoted and directed toward the people we interact with and form relationships with through cyberspace. (uh…. can you say Facebook? Twitter? Look how many Facebook or Twitter transcripts have been pulled up in divorce court!)
Would you have issue with your sweetheart spending time in a virtual world like Second Life?
What challenges do you see this posing for couples wishing for longterm commitment?
For me… all I gotta say is, it can be challenging enough to deal with insecurities and jealousies in this life… now there are HOT BLUE BABES in cyberspace getting it on with our men in some super sexual spiritual union under the Tree of Souls? (Okay… well…this just happened to be the sizzling hot scene from the movie! But you catch my drift.)
How about the chaos of our modern life and just trying to fit “quality” time spent with our beloved? Isn’t that hard enough? Now you have to share time with another world?
And would you not agree there’s something far more “betraying” about one’s committed partner or spouse engaging in a ritualized spiritual/emotional coital union in cyberspace with someone he or she is cultivating a deep relationship and bond with…rather than your run-of-the-mill “real-life” roadside encounter for twenty bucks?)
Emotional bonding and connecting is a lot deeper than a mere physical release in my opinion. I’m not endorsing that one is better than another… I am merely pointing out the fact that there is a difference between an emotionally connected bond and a purely physical one. (As you can imagine, this is an entire debate unto itself!)
Think about the implications these virtual worlds will have on our current reality. What about real world relationships in which we exist in imperfection, and not in the form of the perfect avatar?
And how are we grooming our future generation for this world with our virtual world play sites for children and teens? Are we teaching responsibility or an escape into an alternate existence if you don’t like this one?
…well that’s another blog post isn’t it? (and probably quite controversial!)
I would LOVE to have you comment right here… tell me your thoughts. I think we’ve only just begun…
Much love to you in this FIRST Life! (wink!)
-Tamara
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A profound and timely topic, Tamara.
I feel that it does not matter if one carries on a relationship online or in the physical world (both worlds are effectively real) that is outside of their committed relationship – both are definitely cheating – for both take place primarily in the mind anyway. Online takes some of the risk out of it for the cheater, but it is no less real.
With the way technology is progressing, maybe a program of precognition akin to “Minority Report” will have people convicted of the intent to cheat before they actually do – giving a powerful start divorce cases, eh?
I’ve had a few wonderful online relationships there were truly intimate in every virtual way, even a couple hopeful of marriage. But I’m a single guy with nothing near to a committed relationship in either world right now. For singles, the virtual world does offer incredible opportunities to meet potential soul mates that one would likely not encounter in the physical world alone.
But you are so right, Tamara. For someone who is already in a committed relationship, it all comes down reason behind it. Why would anyone who is in a loving, committed, and totally connected relationship even spend time in virtual relationships that go beyond simple friendship, business, or a mutual interest – unless there is a hidden agenda.
I am so on the same page with you about emotional bonding being deeper than physical release. For me, emotional bonding is the cause that leads the effect. My libido is hard-wired to my heart – and my heart has priority over everything else. So though there was great physical distance in those relationships I mentioned, the release was virtually as powerful as if it had happened physically.
For many though, it seems emotions and sexual release are – or at least have become – separable. That suggests that such people never really learned how to truly connect emotionally or they lost it along the way in their relationship. That seems to be at the heart of online cheating.
And if it is simply about living out fantasies, why not discuss role-playing with your mate? If you’re both whole-heartedly agreeable, make your real life spouse your online fantasy – and do have cyber-sex, or even arrange secret rendezvous for a tryst. It might be the spice that shocks you into realizing just how much the other person really means to you – and discover how much fun they really are!
Once again, thank you, Tamara, for a truly heart-driven, thought-provoking discussion.
♥(-;
Tom I LOVE your insight into this topic!
The power of our minds is…. the power to create worlds. Yes, you are so on the money with this! We create our reality… or let me put it another way… we perceive reality through our mind. If we are craving, longing for and thinking about getting online to just “be” with that other person… we’ve got ourselves a relationship!
And what a clever point you bring up about couples who are interested in perhaps “spicing” up the relationship with some internet flirtation in role play. Stunning way to play if both parties are “game.”
I do think in order to keep the real relationship healthy it would be important for the couple to communicate clearly and openly about the boundaries of the virtual characters they create and how they would handle other people’s characters when approached…. they would of course be interacting in a virtual world where other people are playing alongside of them. This is where I could see trouble “pop up” if clear boundaries had not been set.
Thank you for sharing Tom and being so open. A lot of us “singles” out there have had the experience of deeply emotionally connected relationships with people we’ve met on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. and like you so truthfully stated, relationships begin in the mind!
Tamara you are on fire at the moment…So much output.
Using social media platforms as a way to develop potential physical relationships and encounters with people can be compared to renewable energy sources like hydro-thermal power, or solar panel installations in the sahara desert; once initiated it can never end.
As Tom Anderson the creator on Myspace said in a blog, physical meetings resulting from large numbers of random connections possible on Myspace can easily mean you will never meet the same person twice, the social butterfly syndrome, fluttering from flower to flower.
Of course this is nothing meaningful really in the real world in terms of building a relationship with passion, and it would seem that much of the meaningful relating occurs online. Indeed my own experiences on facebook have been so, outside of people I have found online like musicians or other working associates, I’ve never met the same lady more than once or twice. Tom Anderson is right in principle, even though marriage from encounters from social platforms now skyrocket.
The interesting thing about about social media is a person can get to know another far better and quicker over the internet. In the privacy and comfort of their own living or bedroom people are far more likely to be relaxed about sharing closer to the heart things about themselves than a couple meeting in a bar for the first time for instance. So when the physical meeting takes place, its becomes like meeting a best friend with added spice of curiousness and unpredictability; as the physical is rarely the same as the virtual. Such a meeting can leave one feeling deeply disappointed or loving it.
The world changes at an exponential rate, people today can see, learn and digest so much more goodies than ever before. A married women living a what could be said to be a “normal” existence may be thrilled by playing out the busty insatiable hot body everyone craves for in second life for instance; especially when the woman she or he has just befriended on facebook is just that, haha…we are all multiple personalities anyway.
Anthropologist Virginia Satir used to throw ‘parts parties’, where invitees would come in fancy dress as unexplored parts of themselves…Interesting.
The question is, is it credible when the second life sex goddess hears ‘I’m home honey’, as her husband returns home from the office, looking for his dinner and sex? Tom has an interesting point about role playing. If the husband were to share in such fantasies openly and without dogma, maybe the fun level would go through the roof. However I believe it would take a couple very secure with each other for this to work.
Tamara, I agree with you…’Let’s keep it real’.
Hi David! Love, Love, Love it!
First off I want to say that I would love to throw a party like Virginia Satir did! I love the idea of people coming dressed fancy as the unexplored parts of themselves!! OMG, what a great New Year’s Eve party theme for me and ALL my single friends! (okay I’ll invite my married ones too… because we ALL got unexpressed parts!!)
I really want to highlight how valuable of a point you brought up around how quickly people can cut the the chase so-to-speak when meeting online, without physical barriers in the way, and they often connect and share very quickly some of their deepest selves with the other. This can cause those online relationships to sky rocket quickly… at speeds quite unnatural for the old fashioned meet at a bar face-to-face relationship.
I really love how you brought up this point! And you so accurately state that often when these juicy, delicious online only relationships finally DO MEET face-to-face that they can be disappointing (not measuring up to the fantasy element that online only delivers), or it can be satisfying, (awwww….they’re everything I thought they’d be.)
It’s the mind. If the image fits what the mind has created we experience approximation. The approximation stimulates further the fantasy mixed reality images we’ve been creating all along in the relationship, now experienced as “Wahoo I won the lottery here!” and resulting in deep pleasure.
If the image is out of alignment of our mind-creation we experience dissonance. This misconnect is experienced as disappointment. A let down. The whole day after Christmas type of feeling.
Thank you for your words of wisdom and for bringing up such succulent seeds to chew on! I love the points your brought out and I know many people can relate to what you have shared. You’re a wise soul David. And I love it when you…. keep it real!
Thanks, Tom and Tamara for such an interesting and insightful discussion. I have one question as a follow up. What do you do with the “virtual relationships” that you’ve created online once you get into a committed relationship in “real” life? Especially if those “virtual” relationships included private chats of a flirtatious or sexual nature, or even the occasional real-life hook-up. Typically, when I get into a committed relationship with someone, the “old” boyfriend/ girlfriend gets relegated to the “public” arena, meaning that if we run into one another, we’re cordial, but there are no more late night phone calls, flirtations texts, or private lunches. In the “real world,” there are physical boundaries that serve to keep emotional and sexual adultery at bay. But with social media, all of those virtual relationships are still out there tweeting, msg’ing, posting pics, at all hours and without any sense of propriety… How does one shift when the public persona they have created is one of a sexually open or available flirt? Do you think holding on to those relationships is keeping open a back door to your real life relationship?
I love your comment Mischa, and to answer your question (a great question by-the-way), if you are in a relationship that fully has your commitment it is easy and natural to shift your previous public persona into a fully committed vibrant person in-love with their beloved and still maintain your fun personality minus the flirtation. We’ve all experienced a friend who has found “the One” and is very smooth and confident in changing their pubic personal.
Thank you for your post! I appreciate your comment and your sharing!
Much love,
Tamara
“I am so on the same page with you about emotional bonding being deeper than physical release. For me, emotional bonding is the cause that leads the effect. My libido is hard-wired to my heart – and my heart has priority over everything else. So though there was great physical distance in those relationships I mentioned, the release was virtually as powerful as if it had happened physically.” -Tom
Thats how i see it. I met my boyfriend on secondlife and we are together in real life now and living together. He stupidly used my computer and an alternate avatar that i didnt know about to go onto secondlife while i was at work and he had a sexual encounter with a “slave” that we both know… I was so upset when i saw this chat logged on my computer and found out they did not only text chat but voice chat… He was arguing that it was not cheating and nothing wrong with it because it is a pixel… but did not listen to me when i said there was a person behind that pixel and once you move it to voice it is no longer “just a pixel” … i dont know what to do about it, i was at the point, ready to give my life to him, to move to another country for him and get married to him… currently he is staying with me on an “extended visit” but he has to go back to the states and i was going to go with him. i dont even know what to do anymore,,, how am i supposed to know how many times it happened and with how many people… and how am i supposed to know if it is going to happen again, he has pretty much lost my trust in him. He claimed it was a form of pornography for him, but in my mind there is a HUGE difference in pornography, and virtually interacting a sexual encounter with someone else.
Hi Angel,
The relationship choice for you is the same as the relationship choice for anyone whether they be dealing with this life or Second LIfe. You are an empowered woman and when you have clarity about the kind of relationship you want you will not compromise your desires by continuing a relationship with someone who has a different “vision” of what they want in an intimate relationship.
We are all different and have different levels of comfort. Be clear on what you want and what is comfortable for you. If your partner can participate in that level, then you have a match. If he cannot, then it’s time to move on. No judgement, guilt, blame or debate about what is or is not crossing a line (all of us have different opinions about what the “lines” are anyway). Rather be clear with your lines, set boundaries and honor your own desire for intimate relationship.
And… in my opinion….just from my own experience… it’s never empowering yourself to have a many stay with you for an “extended visit” so I’d decide if you want him to stay or leave, but be clear on your own choices. No one ever betrays us, rather it is us who betray our own self when we do not honor what is in our own heart.
Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story. YOU are a perfect example of just the sort of suffering I had blogged about. Thank you for your courage. You are an amazing woman who deserves the desires of her heart and a man that can appreciate them!
Much love to you,
Tamara